I have an unpleasant revelation and insight

After listening to the news yesterday I had a sudden moment of clarity. I thought about it all evening and fumed about it instead of falling asleep when I went to bed later. I realized that a group of females of a certain ethnic group have had a totally unjustified beef against me for, as far as I can figure it, over twenty five years.

The reason it never dawned on me before is because there is no “incident” that triggered this imaginary beef, plus I’ve had warm relationships with females of this group throughout that time. It never occurred to me before yesterday, but thinking back on it, I can now trace an almost unbroken line of representatives of this female ethnic group that have contrived conflict with me. I realize now that they’ve done quite a bit of harm to me, but no where near the harm they have done to themselves and their sisters.

The first woman I ever comforted for having had a miscarriage was from this group. My first executive secretary was from this group and I adored her. I watched my neighbor raise two beautiful girls from childhood through college and all three of them are from this group. I’ve opposed the violence and demeaning of this group for decades, never dreaming that some of them were advocating that I myself should be a victim of violence and demeaning.

It never occurred to me that there would be a strand of surly faced women who had some sort of imaginary beef against me running through my life. It is odd because I took a severe job hit defending a male from this ethnic group who worked for me (he punched out a bigot who rejoiced in the King assassination, and he had, shall we say, a very serious demeanor which was unpleasing to the white mandarins who wanted him to “smile more.”) Because I would not demark him on his performance review I ultimately had to leave that job before I was vested. And looking back, sure enough, there was a female contriving a beef with me at the same time. It never ever occurred to me.

Well, now it has occurred to me and mark my words, faith has been broken and I’ll never fully trust a person from this grouping again. I’ll continue to be outraged at the terrible treatment that normal average non-beefing members of this group receive, just as I have all of my adult life. But I don’t think any of them can ever be personally close to me. It’s a shame because I have had a very warm heart for all of them, which was what blinded me to seeing what was happening. Whenever I encountered a beef I could not explain, I always thought it was a fluke of the individual. I did not know that I was the subject of targeted harassment, endangerment and libel by them. It’s outrageous, unbelievable, and hurtful to the extreme, because of its incredible unfairness. You’ll never know what my friendship could have been like.