Indiana Jones talk: movies & missed opportunities

Regular readers and people who know me well know that I hardly ever go to the movies. This is because while I enjoyed them in college, movies since then are dark, unrealistic and depressive. Now, you don't have to be a cream puff to want your movies to be at least balanced and sane. For example, the big movies when I was in college were the very edgy and political "Z" (Greek politics), Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (hardly a happy ending), just to give you two examples. I also saw Mick Jagger's movie where he did weird things with a mirror and while it was pretty unwatchable for just being a total drag, like I said, I went to movies and gave them a chance. But starting in the late 1970's really horrible films starting coming out, like "Billy Jack" and other dark and depressive films, both left and right in orientation. Yuck to all of them.

This is a quick lead in because I bet you find people who complain but have no practical solutions tiresome, as I most certainly find them myself. So I wanted to give an example of how I would have made an authentic blockbuster.

I saw the Indiana Jones movie, I guess it was the first one, where they find the Ark. Well, it was enjoyable from a classic edgy adventure perspective, and Harrison Ford really cut up the screen with his larger than life character. I liked it fine, although that kind of movie does challenge my boredom index, until the ending. The ending could have been SO awesome and authentic, and instead it was just plain stupid and an excuse for a gore fest. This is where the Nazis touch the Ark and things that look like spirits do gory things to them. It was one of the first of the adventure flicks that make their entire summation to be a gory "comeuppance" scene with no morals or intellectual pondering. Here's what I would have done instead, and what I propose would have been great, because we see in the sales of stupid books like the DaVinci Code that people do want an adventure with spiritual and mental complexity, like a detective story. Oh, remind me to blog about what book is the modern origin of that type of interest, for you younger folks, as part of my series on influential books.

I would have had Indiana Jones and cohorts logic through in their minds what to do if the Ark is indeed found. (That's what modern armchair archaeologists ought to be doing, since the true Ark has not been found. Copies abound.) Now, the true Ark is no longer the seat of God, so it's not like God is "still in the box" just like when he descended to be in it when traveling with the Israelites. So God is not "in the box" but it is extremely holy and no good would come of handling it disrespectfully. So IJ and gang could have done some research on that. To be cool they could have gotten a hold of a Jewish scholar of the Levites, the tribe that had authority to handle the Ark.

This scholar could explain what I just did to IJ and gang, but here is where it gets even cooler. Just because there's a modern day Levi or Levy named or descended guy, does not mean he could handle the Ark. These were fully consecrated priests, not just family members with the right name and tribal affiliation. So they would have this discussion and then Jewish scholar would explain that not only could he not handle the Ark if he joined IJ and gang, there is no more "Jewish priest" who is fully consecrated. And in fact, there are no priests at all who can "touch" or be in the presence of the Body of the Lord.... oh wait, they suddenly realize. Don't those Catholics believe in the "what do you call it?" "Transubstantiation" the Jewish scholar could explain. "Yes, they believe that Jesus Christ is physically present in the bread and wine of the Holy Mass." Sudden enlightenment, education, adventure and ecumenical moment, as they realize that only Catholic (and Orthodox, C of E who have still full communion with Rome, etc), but to be on the really safe side, only Catholic priests are consecrated to be able to handle objects that contain "the presence of God."

And hidey hoo, off everyone goes to get a Catholic priest! They would have to get a real one, not a New Age fake, and the Catholic priest would have to have a confession, celebrate Mass, and then directly go to the location (ensuring his purity). He and the Levi scholar would be a team. Would that have not been amazingly cool?

And instead we got the same crap we've now seen for thirty years, of "adventure" being close ups of gory deaths. The Ark could still have smited the Nazis, but just in the Biblical way, of "bang! they are dead" (this would have been how IJ and gang knew is was "active" and the actual holy Ark, not a copy).

So the Catholic priest could have handled and opened the Ark, with total safety, while having directions about the mechanisms and so forth from the Jewish scholar. What a team!

To keep loose ends tidy, it could have ended with a voice saying, "Not for this generation" and the Ark could disappear. That way we all don't have to ponder the horror of the Ark being on display in the Met in NYC ha ha ha.

Wouldn't THAT have been one hundred times better than what we got? Ditto every other movie on that kind of topic. It would be BOTH more realistic and more fantastic, imaginative and exciting!