Case study of bad advice: "Dear Abby"

I tend to ignore the "Dear Abby" column, but sometimes see it because Sudoku and "Ask Billy Graham" are on the same page. But I spotted a particularly awful reply today, one that is outstanding over other poor responses, so here it is, as a goldmine for our continuing look at how to use faith and reasoning.

You can see the column online today at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/

In case by the time you see this post the topic has changed, here is the snip of the one we will analyze.

DEAR ABBY: Our mom had a major cow when she found out that my sister and I are wearing thong underwear. We buy and wash our own clothes, so Mom didn't realize it until the other day when she walked in on us while we were getting dressed.
Well, Mom says it's "sinful," if you can believe that, and she has forbidden us from wearing them. But Abby, it's what all the girls wear these days, so if we're sinners, so is everyone else. We'll be the only girls in the locker room not wearing thongs, and we'll look really stupid. Do you see anything wrong with thong underwear? -- SAN DIEGO SINNER?

DEAR SINNER?: No, evil is in the eye of the beholder. But frankly, I have never understood the thong underwear fad. For many decades women have struggled to keep their panties from bunching up exactly where the thong is designed to go -- and the feeling is really uncomfortable.
Readers, I'm taking a poll on this: Thongs "up" or thongs "down"? What do you think?

***

The weakness of this answer is totally appalling on every level. First of all, "Dear Abby" could have taken the obvious and easy route, which is to ask "With whose money do you purchase thong underwear? If it comes from your parents in the form of allowance, you are bound to respect the one restriction that your mother is placing on your 'freedom of clothing choice.'" The fact that "Dear Abby" does not even mention it is continuing sign that she is just another enabler of the deterioration of mutual responsibility in parent-child relationships.

This is reinforced by the fact that "Dear Abby" cannot wait to dive into her "hip and cool" persona of fashionista. She can't wait to comment that while she doesn't like the fashion that it's anything goes, even for teenagers who still live at home! That is, after all, what she is saying with her curious use of "No, evil is in the eye of the beholder."

So this points us to the main problem, which is that "Dear Abby" is demonstrating that one cannot ask her a question that has moral implications, as she is too concerned with being all liberal and open-minded, so called, that she no longer sees anymore behavior that is harmful to children, and she misses chances to reply in a character building way. She's just shown herself to be part of the coarsening of society because she is unable to articulate a thoughtful reply. Because it is easier to demonstrate through good role modeling than to explain "how to," here is how I would have replied.

Dear Sinner?
When your mom says that something is sinful, that is really short-hand (think of it as mental texting) for a more thoughtful and complicated concern about you and your friends than she was able to articulate to you. One thing that you ought to do is have a general discussion with your mother about how she learned about what is sin and what is not, and why her faith teaches such distinctions, so that you have the benefit of her faith, which has been handed down to her.

Otherwise you assume that something being sinful is, to your mother, just being a prudish expression of her being old-fashioned. This is because, correctly, you think, "Well, what is the harm with wearing thong underwear? If there is no harm, why is it a sin?" You should help your mother have that conversation with you, so you can discuss the "why" that something is a sin, when no one seems to be harmed.

To help you, here is how I would have the conversation with you. When you are children living at home, despite how advanced society seems to have become, your first job is to be a child, and to enjoy life before the fullness of its problems and pressures falls upon you. Part of having a pressure free childhood, including into the teens, is to resist becoming sexually active. Believe me, the time of childhood and youth passes fast enough, when then one is an adult, both legally and emotionally, and you must face the joys and the sorrows of life. Being sexually active as a child or a teenager does not enhance one's happiness, but rather, curtails it, putting pressure on you beyond what you should be experiencing, which is family relationship, studies, sports, art and friendships and yes, of course, dating, if you are of age and so inclined.

When you participate in the "everyone else is wearing thongs in the locker room" pressure, you are helping everyone be swept away by the pressure of sexualizing when one is young, putting aside the obvious problems of hormones! If you and your friends held fast to not wearing sexualizing underwear, you are actually doing your friends a favor by demonstrating that not everyone has to sink to the lowest form of sexualizing emphasis at that time in your life. Instead of talking about sports and other things in the locker room, you are participating in visual assessment of how sexualized you, as children and youth, have become. So you are mutually supporting each other's focus on sexualization, rather than mutually supporting each other in having pressure reduced time as children and students. That is why your mother, even if she cannot articulate it, thinks of thong underwear as sinful. Sin is not just doing a bad deed, but it is also the mindset that leads others into sin.

Sometimes one truly shows what a role model you are by not going with the crowd, so that you can show the crowd a better choice. My happy ending to this story would be that you continue to wear cute but modest underwear, and then the other girls would see your calmness and proper focus on what really is important in life to you as a child or youth, and they would actually copy you, returning to cute but modest underwear themselves!

While it seems that those who preach against sin are only saying "no," what we, like your mother, are trying to do is to give you more options in life, not less. I hope that you find this helpful.

Sincerely,
Mary Major (not cow) Fan