Just because you can does not mean you should

Consider this part history lesson and part spiritual direction.

I’m the last person in the world who would pile on when a family has suffered a loss. To the contrary I feel the passing of every person very acutely, especially the loss experienced by the loved ones who remain behind. It is for this reason that I need to point out an error in thinking that has crept into modern society that is the source of needless loss.

The concept that someone in an extreme sport or dangerous activity “died doing what he or she wanted to do” is a new invention of the past thirty years or so. It is perfectly understandable that this is what grieved family, friends and associates tell themselves when they lose someone, but it was not always like this. In the old days there were explorers and adventurers, and yes, they took mighty risks. But life in general was very risky, with many lives lost in the course of supporting ones family while farming, seafaring, soldiering and so forth. Adventurers performed great deeds but in general they were not “thrill” or “record seekers.” Throughout human history the mere act of living and raising a family was fraught with risk. When someone died, either in the course of day to day life, or in adventuring, the person was remembered for their service to God, their family, and their country. The vast majority of people who lived on earth up until the past thirty years did so with two goals in mind: serve God and raise a family. People who died were commended to God’s hands and these deaths, even of the adventurers, were viewed as part of life’s reality. Even the wildest of libertines in the past tended to have a baseline belief in God and his will, even if they lived in what seemed a sinful way. In other words, they were notorious, but they did not believe that God “meant” for them to be celebrities.

In the past thirty years people, in general, seem to literally have forgotten that God has a will and a plan for everyone’s life, one that is based on love of life and joy within the parameters of a life of measured years surrounded by illness and potential for sorrow and strife. God wants humans to live, thrive and love. But the latest two generations of Western society have confused “love of life” with “having my kicks and thrills being alive.” People think that just because they can do something they should do it. They think because they have a talent or a drive that somehow that is what they are “meant” to do, regardless of the impact on family (including not having a family at all). The person who opts for extreme sports, for example, thinks somehow that just because they have money and ability that this is their “destiny,” “their gift,” and “being who they really want to be.” It may well be what you want to be but recognize that thrill seeking and extreme activities at the expense of a long life full of potential being an exceptional “average Joe” who is actually THERE for their family and children is not God’s plan. When an extreme athlete dies, leaving young children behind, and appears before God, do you really think God says, “Wow, you really stuck to my plan, kudos! You left children behind and grieving spouse and parents who have to now comfort themselves that you ‘died doing what you wanted to do.’” Of course not, but it is only in the past thirty years that this self conceit has actually become the mainstream thinking in the affluent West (I am tempted to write the effluent West, but that’s another story). Just because you can afford to do something insane and/or risky does not mean that you were “meant” to do it. Worse, this has become part of consumerist brainwashing that replaces the process of discerning God’s will and best interests in a young person’s mind with over-stimulated celebrity oriented goals. Not so long ago, but seemingly in another world that is gone, children had time to be children, they did not seek fame and fortune as the be all and end all goals of their lives, and they discerned God’s will against the backdrop of a foundational belief in God and recognition of one’s obligation to family, neighbor, and improvement of life conditions. From the child who inherited the farm to the one who was “the first of his family to go to college,” people used to have a set of baseline beliefs that informed finding their true happiness. Those beliefs tended to be to marry someone who loved them, raise children, provide for them, have a house and earn a worthy living.

My dad died of a heart attack when I was eight years old. He could not help that and it’s not like he wanted to die, but medical understanding was much more primitive in 1962 and he was a feisty unhealthy living ex-paratrooper. But it is not like he went out and died because he was “finding his true self scaling the Himalayans” and that “God wanted him to ride a motorcycle down the Yangtze River.” I mean come on… I think people have genuinely lost their minds in the past thirty years in their “let it all hang out” and “doing my own thing” mentality. Worse, they have robbed themselves of their own joy. It’s not because of “oppression by the man” that for the ten thousand years of civilization virtually everyone pined for the same things: to not be a slave (although for a while there were favorable circumstances of security in for example pre-Christian societies in being a well placed slave), to be married to someone who loved them, to have the blessing of children, to own a piece of land or the rights to a piece of land to farm and live on, and with industrialization, a “good job” with a worthy income. People were in sync with the knowledge that God wanted each person to have what is best for them, brought them the most lifelong joy (not momentary “thrills” but lifelong joy) and that promoted life. This earth was so fertile and marvelous, and people have such potential for thriving children and healthy families, and people have thrown it all away. People rarely have a fleeting thought of their own long term self interest, and virtually never of the needs of others.

So I feel terrible whenever I read of a great young life cut short. (Imagine how I feel about forty million and more abortions, but that is yet another story). But I have attended funerals all my life, and to see it go from “he loved his family” and “he loved God” and “how sad we are but we will live on cherishing his memory” to “he died doing what he wanted to do” and “hey, that’s the way she would have wanted to go” saddens and disgusts me. I understand it when it is a policeman, a fireman, a soldier, a humanitarian on the front lines who falls and the family says that, for that is a different matter. Many people, unheralded, risk their lives to protect others. Look at the cop gunned down in Philadelphia, and the four part time firemen who died in England when a burning vegetable warehouse collapsed on them. Yes, they died doing the jobs they chose, but that does not mean that they wanted to die that way and leave behind their families and loved ones. Service and honor that is what they represent. But I would expect investigations after every incident so that lessons can be learned so others do not die the same way. I think of Yoko Ono who after John Lennon was killed bought bullet proof vests for the police department. She did not think it was “God’s will” that Lennon was shot. She turned a dreadful loss into an understanding of how others who face the risk that Lennon unknowingly did can be benefited by action by her.

How far is this from the mentality that our children and this generation has grown up with where the scoreboard, the record book, the competition, the “personal best,” the dollar, the face time in the media, the endorsements, the self indulgence, these are “doing what he or she wanted to do?” Just because you can do something does not mean that is the meaning of your life, and the heck with those who loved you. Nothing could be farther from God’s will than can be imagined. Where has the average Joe gone? Why are our children deprived of discerning what is positive in life by being an “average Joe or Mary?” Even being born into a wealthy renowned sports family is not enough for some; they have to be the feared bad ass addicted drug peddler … can you believe what this country has come to, along with the UK, South Africa, the churning in Central and South America and many other countries? People have lost their way being the average Joe and average Mary. On the one end they have to be the new superman or woman with the portfolio and the record book. On the other end they have to be the thug with the pit bull. Tom Brokaw was not kidding when he called the WWII generation the “greatest generation.” They were on the brink of taking society into a whole wonderful place, and it was blown by the libertine destruction of the family and the scourge of drugs and alcohol. Instead of being the average Joe and Mary who fostered life and prosperity now it is the crassest of celebrity, depravity and self grandiosity, with total near total loss of connection to the will and grace of God.